After we adopted our first child, Finley, it took me four years to figure out that birth families are our family too. Once I embraced this mindset, the open adoption journey became a lot smoother because I considered them extended family. I was much better at applying that mindset the second time around when we adopted Sofie.
I adopted my children in 1994 and 1998––both in open arrangements. Three decades ago, open adoption was new and few practiced it. Open meant that the birth parents chose my husband and me as parents for their child, and that we would decide together how to create a lifetime of connection.
Today I want to share what adoption meant to Sofie’s birth grandmother, Beth, and how she handled the adoption plan for her first grandchild. When young expecting parents make an adoption plan, those closest to them–their parents, brothers and sisters—are also profoundly affected by adoption, but this is not widely acknowledged.
In our case, because the expecting parents were teens, they included Beth in the decision. While the adoption plan made a lot of logical sense, the emotional toll on the entire biological family was significant.
Beth was raising four children ages eight to sixteen. Her family was struggling financially, nevertheless, she was considering how she might raise the baby. However, her son and his girlfriend had other ideas—they wanted us to parent.
Beth and I were the same age—forty—when we met. The baby her son’s girlfriend was carrying would become my daughter. We went into this arrangement without really knowing how we would navigate our relationship.
Beth decided that if adoption was their choice, she and her family would be brave. It would be a family adventure, one that they would take on together, for better or worse. Beth started a family tradition each year of making a special birthday gift for Sofie. She did this for eighteen years without fail. Each gift came with a strong message from the entire family: “We are here, and we love you.”
The gifts reflected my daughter’s life stages such as: a favorite stuffed dog, a soccer ball that each signed, a CD where each family member picked their favorite song, a family picture framed with their names engraved, and a quilt with embroidered quotes thoughtfully picked out by each family member.
These personalized gifts, along with annual visits, opened the door for Sofie to be a part of her birth family, and that connection remains strong today. Beth’s big family has a group text that includes my daughter and they all keep up with each other regularly. Birthday texts are a window into the strong relationship Sofie has developed with this family. This year Sofie’s birth father wrote: “Wishing the happiest of birthdays to my beautiful amazing first-born child—I have been thinking of you all day and it makes me SO PROUD. You make the world a better place and I love you.” This is followed in the group text from Sofie’s birth aunt: “You’re a light in all our lives! Look back and be proud of all of your accomplishments, then look forward to all the joy to come. Hope you feel spoiled today.” Sofie is unquestionably a member of her birth father’s family.
There is a huge bonus for me also. Not only did Sofie develop a healthy relationship with her birth father and his entire family, but I developed a closeness and friendship with Beth. We are of the same generation, both grew up in Christian families, and share many values.
Because Beth has always respected our role as parents, she made it easy for us to be gracious in return and to welcome them as family. Looking back, I know that putting Sofie’s needs first was the key ingredient. Beth puts it his way, “Linda and David opened their hearts and their home and they risked being vulnerable—the love for their daughter quelled any fear or uncertainties they may have had.”
When David and I retired and moved to Florida, it was natural for us to invite Beth and her husband, Mark, to come for a visit. By this time, we had known each other for twenty-six years. This past summer they did just that and the four of us enjoyed a few days together without our adult children. We laughed, played some card games and genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. Now that Sofie is a young adult, Beth says, “A relationship that began out of trauma and uncertainty, has evolved into Linda and David being family to us and we have come to love and enjoy our time with them. We have an open honest trusting relationship. There is no request concerning their daughter Sofie that we would not honor.” Beth and I share the belief that trust is the foundation of our relationship.
As our children grew up, Thanksgiving was the holiday that we celebrated with my sisters and all nine cousins together. This Thanksgiving, for the first time, Sofie will be spending three days with Beth and her birth father’s entire family, instead of coming home. She has young half siblings now and finds so much joy in her big sister status. Being connected to her birth family has helped my daughter grow up whole.
I learned long ago that birth family is family. Just like parents have enough love for all of their children, so can a child share love with both their adoptive and biological families. Open adoption is complex and not easy, but with work and keeping the child as the North Star, it can truly be “double the love”.
National Adoption Awareness Month (NAAM)
November is National Adoption Awareness Month. It started as Adoption Week in Massachusetts in 1976 to promote the need for more adoptive families to care for the large number of children in the foster care system. By 1984 it became a week-long national event and grew so much, that by 1995 President Bill Clinton, an adoptee himself, made it National Adoption Month.
With six in ten American’s being affected by adoption, no wonder it has grown. This means that sixty percent of Americans have—themselves, a family member or close personal friend who—has adopted a child, was adopted themselves or placed a child for adoption.
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